This is a story about discovery.
The owner and I are on first-name basis. I order my usual fresh ginger tea followed by a mineral water. I don’t drink hooch. Because of this folks joke that I’m a ‘cheap date’.
A woman sat two bar stools away seemed on her own. We began talking and it was clear to me this was a call to duty. I learned that her being in the bar was a monumental step for her; it was all so new. She was very happily married to an incredible man and raised children they are proud of. They love each other deeply and are best friends. However, she could no longer ignore her heart’s blossoming desire for an unknown connection with women.
Seeking guidance from her therapist, he advised her not to go to a lesbian bar. His reasoning: everyone was bisexual but they shouldn’t act on it and she shouldn’t because if she had been married and happy in her marriage to a man, then it was ‘impossible’ for her to feel attracted to women. Case closed. This advise from her licensed clinical psychotherapist only left her more confused, doubting her heart’s wisdom, her own intuition, her own experience.
Stunned and seeing her torment I suggested, “I think you’ve out grown your therapist. While he might have been able to guide you in many areas of your life, in this instance he is clearly biased and lacks the insight and experience to support you in this process.”
I encouraged her to listen to her intuition and to follow her heart, reassuring her that she will make the right decisions for herself when she follows her heart and not the flippant opinions of others. I added that there might be medicine or an experience or a quality of nurturing that she cannot get from a man.
No one person can fulfill everything for another.
Then I shared this story. Nearly twenty years ago, I gave a session to a woman in my hometown San Francisco in the Castro District. This is the ‘gay’ area of the city. She and her friend were lesbian. Every message I had for this woman resonated. Her friend was nodding her head in passionate recognition as though she was responding to the gospel choir in church on Sunday.
Her chair dance would come to sudden halt when I next said: “My understanding is that there is a healing that takes place when you permit yourself to be valued, nourished, cared for and made love to by a man.”
Immediately the tension fell from her face, tears began to stream, color returned to her skin. She recognized what I was pointing her to. Her friend gave me an overbearing "WTF?" look, almost defensive, until she saw the truth in her friend’s visible response. I asked her to release the notions of ’straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual’ and to just be human, to grant herself the healing that could take place in the loving hands of the right man.
No one person can fulfill everything for another.
My teaching here isn’t so much about sexual identity as it is about trusting your feelings and keeping an open mind in order to permit personal development, healing and new healthy opportunities. Yes, this might come in the form of sexual energy, experience, identity or fantasy, but the lesson goes beyond that.
Walking through mist, like the woman on the bar stool in her courageous steps forward, in times of uncertainty, is scary. It is when one must anchor to faith, to God, to their capacity as a human. It is a moment when the biggest spiritual growth spurts happen. Remember this friend: you didn’t come this far in life to fail now.
For those that might be struggling with (or celebrating) their sexuality/sexual identity, or seek to better understand dreams, desires, nudges, my office is a safe place to discuss your concerns. I am not just an open-minded clinician, I'm also a sex-positive person. I promise I won’t tell you that your feelings are impossible and I further promise to be present to listen to you and your soul and to forge a pragmatic pathway that suits your unique personal development.
My practice is based in Amsterdam. I offer private, couples and group sessions and workshops and retreats. Phone sessions are also available. Sessions are available to serve you!
In Light,
Tuaca Kelly,
Health Culture Amsterdam
"Dissolving Illusions for Health To Emerge" ^i^